Jerry Seinfeld vs. Pharrell Williams

Shitcanned once again!

According to, Microsoft has just dumped Jerry Seinfeld and his kinda weird, excrutiatingly long ads with Bill Gates where they buy hideous Easter shoes, for Pharrell Williams aka Skateboard P, who promises to keep his ads as trucker hat free as humanly possible.  The new ad campagin by Microsoft is a $300 million gamble to sway opinion since the only “hip” people who prefer PC to Mac are Russell Crowe, Christopher Dodd, and Big O.*

This got me to thinking…why would you select the guy who wrote “Change Clothes” over the God of Sitcom?  Let’s see how they match-up in a tale of the tape and make a decision that could potentially save Microsoft $300 millie (no Wayne).

Humble Beginnings

Seinfeld:  Had a small recurring role as “Frankie,” a mail delivery boy who told bad jokes on Benson in 1979.  “Benson” was a better character on Soap than a full-time sitcom star.

Pharrell:  Ghostwrote “Rump Shaker” for Teddy Riley’s Wreckx-N-Effect, one of the first cassette singles I ever owned.  Bonus points for making “Squish HER” rhyme with “Sub-WOOFER”

Advantage:  Pharrell

Breakthrough TV Moment

Seinfeld:  His May 1981 apperance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

Pharrell:  His 1998 appearance in the video for Noreage’s “Super Thug” in which his dirty, unkept moustache made his resemble Luis Guzman.

Advantage:  Seinfeld

Weed Carriers

Seinfeld:  Julia Louise Dreyfuss, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Larry David, Wayne Knight, observational comics, guys who wear jeans and tennis shoes with button-ups tucked in

Pharrell:  Chad Hugo, Shay of NERD, The Clipse, Noreaga, Fam Lay, Spymob, Hot Topic, UBIQ, Nigo, Lupe Fiasco, GQ, Esquire

Advantage:  Seinfeld   


Excessive Use of Wealth

Seinfeld:  Owns more cars than DMX has arrests.  The driving force behind the pretty good vanity documentary Comedian.  Strongarmed Dreamworks into making the dud Bee Movie. 

Williams:  Buys ridiculous clothes/cars/boats just to name drop in verses.  Gave Chad Hugo production credits for every rap single he made since ’03.  Signed Slim Thug. 

Advantage:  Pharrell 

Already a tax write-off

Memorable Quote:

Seinfeld:  “A dog will stay stupid. That’s why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they’re idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, “He’s back. It’s that guy, that same guy.” He can’t believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. “Another can of food? I don’t believe it.”

Pharrell:  “Your ass is a spaceship that I want to ride”

Advantage:  Pharrell


Corporate Tie-Ins:

Seinfeld:  American Express.  Junior Mints.  JuJy Fruit.  Black and white cookie makers.  Yoo-Hoo.

Pharrell:  Reebok.  Arista Records.  Interscope Records.  Louis Vuitton. 

Advantage:  Seinfeld

Creative Influences

Seinfeld:  George Carlin.  Jack Benny.  Johnny Carson.  Larry David.      

Pharrell:  Steely Dan.  Michael Jackson.  Prince.  Carl Sagan.  Triton Keyboard.

Advantage:  Push 

The sound of rap music ’01-’03 and it wasn’t that bad!

Unlike His Competition, He:

Seinfeld:  Does whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he feels like it.  No small parts in movies, tourgasms, Myspace presence, nor three nights at the Ha-Ha Hole in Sandusky, Ohio.  Still wears Superman tighty-whities.

Pharrell:  Looks rich, dresses rich, probably smells rich, has sex with models, does not own a firearm, can actually play a keyboard.  Is a hipster who never wants to look broke.

 Advantage:  Pharrell

Makes You Want to Buy a New Computer Because:

Seinfeld:  You’ll feel smart, funny, observant, and whiter than a Jeezy lie.

Pharrell:  You’ll feel urban but not gangsta, weird but not Tom Cruise-weird, eclectic but not Ecleftic.

Advantage:  Pharrell

RESULTS:  PHARRELL will be doing his damndest to hide his pesky, Nigo-print iPod Nano next time paparrazii is watching as he is your new spokesman for Microsoft Windows!



*This is pure speculation.  Can Russell Crowe ever be “hip”?



  1. “Your ass is a spaceship that I want to ride” is maybe one of the best lines that ever flowed thru my ear canal. I agree that Bee Movie SUCKED (damn kids got me watching this bs) and I just saw the commercial w/Pharrell & Co. last nite for the first time. WAY better than the retarded ass Seinfeld one.

  2. Since I’m a Mac it kills me that Microsoft is going through so much to prove they’re hip and it took them to film a series of bland ass commercials to realize that JERRY SEINFIELD wasn’t going to make PC’s seem cooler. If you’re so out of touch that you think an appearance from DEEPAK CHOPRA in our national ad will raise eyebrows than it’s a wrap for your ad agency of choice.

    That’s why in Mac commercials they don’t say what the song is or who the artist is on the music they use. They assume that Mac users are so hip that they already KNOW who it is or how to find out who it is. Looking forward to seeing Skateboard P drag Lauren London away from Lil’ Cocaine..I mean Lil’ Wayne and appear in an ad with her fine ass.


  3. Duds don’t gross nearly as much as Bee Movie did. 73 million in its first two weeks then 50 million in DVD sales the first week out. Bee Movie is the shit.. and it sold a shit load of money at the Box Office and on DVD and kids love it. My little sister and son watch it every day. I love adults who criticize kiddie flicks. Its not for you. If you love it then goodie goodie. You are an adult. Way to go Zilla. Get some kids and then crush Dreamworks flicks. My son would kick your knee if he read this malarkey. Seinfeld money is way closer to Gates money than Pharrell money. Im sure Jerry will be ok.

  4. and Pharrell doesn’t have an ad with Jerry. He just says I’m a PC along with 68 other people. Those ads have been running simultaneously with the Seinfeld ads.

  5. “Bee Movie” was a dud because it had an $150 Mill budget, Seinfeld completely raided the airwaves for MONTHS leading up to the movie, NBC cross promoted the shit out of it on all their primetime programming…and it lost money at the box office (grossed $126 mill in the US). Critics hated it as well. I don’t have kids, so I’m gonna hate on movies that lose money and get bashed by people smarter than me. I don’t watch kids animated movies, though I acknowledge they are great for adult viewers going back to “Toy Story.”

    If your son kicked me in the shins, I’d make sure his dad wouldn’t get that deal at Raping-U-Records I had set up for him haha!!

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