Shitcanned once again!
According to AllHipHop.com, Microsoft has just dumped Jerry Seinfeld and his kinda weird, excrutiatingly long ads with Bill Gates where they buy hideous Easter shoes, for Pharrell Williams aka Skateboard P, who promises to keep his ads as trucker hat free as humanly possible. The new ad campagin by Microsoft is a $300 million gamble to sway opinion since the only “hip” people who prefer PC to Mac are Russell Crowe, Christopher Dodd, and Big O.*
This got me to thinking…why would you select the guy who wrote “Change Clothes” over the God of Sitcom? Let’s see how they match-up in a tale of the tape and make a decision that could potentially save Microsoft $300 millie (no Wayne).
Seinfeld: Had a small recurring role as “Frankie,” a mail delivery boy who told bad jokes on Benson in 1979. “Benson” was a better character on Soap than a full-time sitcom star.
Pharrell: Ghostwrote “Rump Shaker” for Teddy Riley’s Wreckx-N-Effect, one of the first cassette singles I ever owned. Bonus points for making “Squish HER” rhyme with “Sub-WOOFER”
Breakthrough TV Moment
Seinfeld: His May 1981 apperance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.
Pharrell: His 1998 appearance in the video for Noreage’s “Super Thug” in which his dirty, unkept moustache made his resemble Luis Guzman.
Seinfeld: Julia Louise Dreyfuss, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Larry David, Wayne Knight, observational comics, guys who wear jeans and tennis shoes with button-ups tucked in
Pharrell: Chad Hugo, Shay of NERD, The Clipse, Noreaga, Fam Lay, Spymob, Hot Topic, UBIQ, Nigo, Lupe Fiasco, GQ, Esquire
Excessive Use of Wealth
Seinfeld: Owns more cars than DMX has arrests. The driving force behind the pretty good vanity documentary Comedian. Strongarmed Dreamworks into making the dud Bee Movie.
Williams: Buys ridiculous clothes/cars/boats just to name drop in verses. Gave Chad Hugo production credits for every rap single he made since ’03. Signed Slim Thug.
Already a tax write-off
Seinfeld: “A dog will stay stupid. That’s why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they’re idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, “He’s back. It’s that guy, that same guy.” He can’t believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. “Another can of food? I don’t believe it.”
Pharrell: “Your ass is a spaceship that I want to ride”
Seinfeld: American Express. Junior Mints. JuJy Fruit. Black and white cookie makers. Yoo-Hoo.
Pharrell: Reebok. Arista Records. Interscope Records. Louis Vuitton.
Seinfeld: George Carlin. Jack Benny. Johnny Carson. Larry David.
Pharrell: Steely Dan. Michael Jackson. Prince. Carl Sagan. Triton Keyboard.
The sound of rap music ’01-’03 and it wasn’t that bad!
Unlike His Competition, He:
Seinfeld: Does whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he feels like it. No small parts in movies, tourgasms, Myspace presence, nor three nights at the Ha-Ha Hole in Sandusky, Ohio. Still wears Superman tighty-whities.
Pharrell: Looks rich, dresses rich, probably smells rich, has sex with models, does not own a firearm, can actually play a keyboard. Is a hipster who never wants to look broke.
Makes You Want to Buy a New Computer Because:
Seinfeld: You’ll feel smart, funny, observant, and whiter than a Jeezy lie.
Pharrell: You’ll feel urban but not gangsta, weird but not Tom Cruise-weird, eclectic but not Ecleftic.
RESULTS: PHARRELL will be doing his damndest to hide his pesky, Nigo-print iPod Nano next time paparrazii is watching as he is your new spokesman for Microsoft Windows!
*This is pure speculation. Can Russell Crowe ever be “hip”?