Dear Donovan McNabb: You Are Now Kyle Orton’s Bitch

All this stiff does is win.  And do nitrus with co-eds.

Being a non-Eagles fan living in Philadelphia is tricky.  You try to be respectful and pull for the Eagles because their fans are intense, unshakingly loyal, mostly knowledgeable, and they don’t tolerate a half-assed performance of any kind.  That’s admirable.  But man oh man, are they are some hateful sumbitches when your team plays against them.  So with that in mind, the Bears victory over the Birds last night was just absolutey delicious!

Going into the game, I thought the Bears would probably lose by 3 or 6 points if Westbrook played.  The Eagles have much bigger fish to fry next week against the Giants and came off of a dominant win against the impressive Steelers.  This is what the experts call a “trap game” for the Birds–a game they could realistically afford to lose and a game the Bears absolutely could not let slip out of their hands by any means if they wanted to take the the NFC North Title.

With B West out, the Eagles became a pretty one-dimensional team.  However, that dimension is not as well guarded by the Bears defense as the stifling run defense.  Thankfully, DeSean Jackson, the lights out rookie who’s currently battling Matt Forte for NFC Rookie of the Year, played like a rookie, muffing a punt return and miscommunicating with McNabb, leading to an easy interception in the second half. 

I give the Eagles credit for attacking Lovie Smith’s Cover 2 defense the right away–short passes over the middle, some quick outs in the gaps between the corners and the safeties, running misdirections and reverses.  However, the Birds had the entire third quarter to bust open the game and frankly blew it.  That third quarter was one of the most dreadful offensive performances I’ve seen from this Bears team in a loooong time–not since Craig Krenzel was taking snaps have I a watched a period go by with so many three-and-out’s.  Fumbles, punts, interceptions: when a team commits 2 turnovers and plays an entire quarter gaining 2 yards on offense, you should dominate.

On offense, Marty Booker, pictured above, somehow managed to take a break from eating dried sand and molasess and got behind coverage to score a touchdown.  Devin Hester dropped a surefire TD pass, badly screwed up a punt return in the third quarter, but burned Assante Samuel for a TD on a marvelous pass from Orton.  Matt Forte was mostly contained, but made some big blocks and got a key first down late in the fourth quarter to keep the game clock moving.  The Bears woeful offensive line got gashed by the Eagles superior defensive ends and tackles but handled their business late in the game to secure the win.

The Bears defense, while not getting much pressure from their defensive line (as usual), made big plays when they had to.  They weren’t as dominant as they were in Week 1 against the Colts, but they didn’t get comfortable nor lazy as they did against Carolina and Tampa Bay.  Lance Briggs had a hell of a game and proved why he’s better than Brian Urlacher even though he doesn’t get Old Spice money.  Charles Tillman once again proved why he’s one of the most underrated cornerbacks in the business.  Nate Vasher returned to his ’06 form with key pass break-ups and made the tackle inbounds that won the game.  Alex “Super Mitts” Brown made the play of the game on the goaline stop of Correl Buckhalter on 4th and one at the goal line.  Alex Brown’s hands are so big, when he cracks his knuckles, it awakens Godzilla from his slumper in the Pacific Ocean.  Japan suffers everytime #96 relives tension.  And I don’t feel bad for one second!

The Bears now face the hapless Detroit Lions, free from the Millen-ium Oppresion, inspired by the great lyricism of Elzhi’s The Preface and Royce Da 5’9” The Bar Exam 2, a few injuries away from being the best Arena League team in the northwest.  Let’s hope the Wind City Boyz continue rolling and smack up the Motown Killa Clik. 

 

***And to the readers who were curious as to why I’m a Bears and Dodgers fan, you check it out here and here

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