Lady Killer: Garth, That Was a Haiku! Excellent!


Nicole spent her New Year’s peacefully reflecting on 2008.  Beer was flowing, cigarettes were illegally puffed, haikus were ferociously scripted.  No word on the status of crack in her sock, though.


Wasted all my time

Thinking about fucking you.

Shame you’re impotent.


Let me get a sip

Of that Pepsi Slurpee, bitch.

The Herp sores? My treat.


Cats are pitiful

And I hate that you have one.

You smell like pee pee.


It’s so cold outside!

My nipples? Hard like diamonds.

Come eat your carats.


A kiss on New Year’s…

So many options to choose:

Who here’s the youngest?


In my heart for life:

First: Ruff Ryders Volume One.

Second: Your motha.


Face it, I Haiku,

Yes, as a verb, better than

Anything you do.


Can’t miss Gossip Girl.

Where else to get my fix of

Bitches in headbands?


Sucking dick for drugs

Is not nearly as bad as

Fucking you for free.


Ring in the New Year

With someone who gives it up

After the first drink.


I love it when dudes

Tell me about their girlfriends…

Like that would stop me.


Old slutty cougars:

Your perfume is choking me.

Please become extinct.


I miss the Winehouse

More than the Winehouse misses

Blake’s fleshy crack pipe.


My mouth is filthy.

Yes, I admit this freely.

But my crotch? Pristine.


Who’s got a Twitter?

My name is casual_text.

Let’s bore each other.


Jail is a fine place

To meet single gents who might

Let me finger them.


Obese mouth breathers

Swear we have shit in common.

Wait, we do. Binging.


If forced to pick one,

Always choose the fatter bitch.

Hates herself, loves dick.



  1. this chick needs to compile all of these and get a book deal. love it! as usual, can’t pick my favorite part. reading and re-reading and i think i may have to chose the filthy mouth part as my #1 fav (simply because it reminds me of me!) with impotent and carats being tied for second.

  2. A woman after my own heart.
    I second doe’s suggestion, these keep getting better.

  3. i vociferously co-sign doe $tax. nicole needs a book deal. zilla, you should link her posts on the sidebar. i literally re-read them (all at once, usually) twice a week.

    i use the beyonce post as a way to convince myself that we weren’t meant for each other. unfortunately, i need to be reminded more times than i’d like to admit.

    • When I read Nicole’s blogs on MySpace and forwarded them to my buddy, the first thing he said was “Thing girl should be published.” Thankfully, she’s allowing me to exploit her writtens before Random House comes a’ knocking.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s