Nicole can get low down and dirty (word to Keenan Ivory Wayans). But there’s no shame in learning proper jump-off etiquette.
Hey, guy. Nice shirt. Listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. No, don’t do that. Don’t pull over. Oh, we’re pulling over. Listen, since it’s just you and me here on the side of this road where one of us might die, I’m just going to say it. Okay? Please stop making that face. And that one. Oh, that’s nice, real fucking nice, guy. Okay, you want to do it like that, you want to play dirty? Well here goes: It is as much a game to me as it is to you. If you have ever had some version of sex with a woman from whom you’ve never heard again (This will be me as soon as I find my way home from this Interstate), you were part of an elaborate ruse at the end of which you might have cried. You’re crying, you are actually crying. Great! Oh, that’s rich! You may have also tried calling, writing, texting to no gain. I meant to do that. Here’s a tissue.
1. The Choice is Yours: A grave misconception among women is their thinking that the uglier the man, the more willing they are to play their position. Because many men have gotten into the habit of bedding those less fortunate in both aesthetic and esteem, women tend to follow suit. These men are amateurs. A woman must behave like an overpaid athlete or rapper who wouldn’t dare be seen with anything less than a ten hanging from neither arm nor cock. Your success rate is only as high as your expectation, so choose a man as you would a prom date. You want him to be sexy enough to incite jealousy amongst your friends. You want him to look good in the pictures. You will delete those pictures. Also, you really want to fuck someone hot. Guilty as charged.
2. Broadening Your Whore-izons: Sure, you have a type (Mine? Rappers, DJs, assorted participants of thuggery.) but with that type comes a world of conflicting interests that will have you labeled the Pass Around Girl faster than you can say whatever it is you can say really fast. I know the hormonal haze of rapper dick can get you loopy. Been there. However, I implore you to snap the fuck out of it. You are doing the passing around. Unless you are looking for a boyfriend or someone to trick into marriage, leave the preferential treatment where you found it and choose your partners carefully and from within different social circles. The less chance you offer for these men to happen upon each other, trade stories, or becomes friends, the more chance you have of not ever having sex again. Unless you possess a doctorate in Damage Control (I do), you really should not ever allow them the opportunity to be in the same room together (I have) unless you like to cry in public (I’d never.).
3. Location, Location, Location: Like any proper white folk looking for a slummy neighborhood to gentrify, location is everything. Sniffing out a lovah is as important as ensuring your new lovah lives close enough to ensure speedy dick delivery but far enough to discourage unannounced visits because he was “in the neighborhood.” No he wasn’t. Nor should he ever be. A jump-off who drives is both a blessing and a curse. Sure he can be at your home within seconds but he can also be at your home within seconds. You want your door to be a revolving one, not one in which men trip over each other or high five on the way out. Your pussy is not the meth clinic nor should you be giving it out to men who may receive services from the meth clinic.
4. The Age-Old Rule: Yes, you are a woman of a certain age. We all are. This, however, does not limit your sexual scope to those within your dating demographic. Younger men, I’m talking the 18 to 23s, are typically more eager to a) fuck b) please c) try questionable shit in bed d) text you back after you send them a dirty one-liner e) FUCK. Older men are good for what they are, but present roadblocks the youngins do not. They usually drive. They like to go out on dates. They probably have ex-wives. Also, children. Some of these elders might say something about having more experience. Ignore this. This is a ploy and usually means nothing more than their having boned a cool thousand. The young ones are typically dumber, too. Dumb is good. You don’t plan on talking to your jump-off outside his dick being inside you. You can talk to him then. However, there will be little phone communication, less small talk, and no outside interaction. Unless you like to fuck in front of people. You can do that.
5. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Unlike with traditional dating, jumping off does not survive in the details. It is important to resist the temptation to ask personal questions about your new lover. A first name is more than enough information. A last name just fucks shit up. You start Facebooking dudes, discovering the likes and dislikes of their children’s mother, wondering why he’s online rather than responding to your request for dick service. Knowledge is not power. If you think that your supplier might possess any kind of technological prowess, possibly could find you on Twitter, or knows how to send anything more than a two-word text message, RUN. Run very far and very fast into the arms of someone too poor to afford a computer, someone whose pre-paid phone is perpetually out of minutes, someone who previously spent years in jail and is now paranoid of communicating in any other way except for lips-to-labia. This is also important in reminding you not to shit where you eat. If you are already friends with someone with whom you’d like to fornicate, Eternal Sunshine that thought and remain strong of mind and loin. Friends are meant to be nothing more than people who want to fuck you but who you will never fuck back. A friend is the jump-off’s sworn enemy. Vinegar and KY-Jelly.
6. Initiating Contact: You found him. You like what he looks like. You think you’d like to accidentally get pregnant by him. The only way you can know for sure is by approaching him. The execution is a simple one. You go up to him and say something that could and should be misconstrued as fresh. He laughs. You laugh. He says something stupid and obvious that you will ignore. He then says something like, “So, you got a boyfriend.” You laugh again and say something that gives him the impression that you are not looking for a boyfriend. Something like, “I don’t want a boyfriend” usually does the trick. Now he knows that you want nothing from him other than his pipe cleaning services. He will then hand you his Metro PCS phone in which you will put your phone number. Later, he will send you a text. It will say something retarded. Maybe, “Sup, Ma?” You will then skip past the happy horseshit of actual textual communications and say something suggestive like, “How about you come over and fuck me.” He will then call you because he doesn’t know how to text well beyond what he’s already said. You will ignore all of his questions and insult him a little bit. Then you will tell him where you live. He will ask what bus runs by there. You tell him to figure it out. He calls you from your door.
7. The Big Show: Once inside, you cease all communication. You show him where you will be fucking. This might be a bedroom. This might also be a roommate’s bedroom. This might also be in your bathroom on the toilet because your annoying roommate is depressed and never leaves your apartment. Wherever it is that you choose, you lead him there. He will probably look very handsome and smell almost nice. This is because he is about to have sex with a woman. You are this woman. You can make out with him. He is a jump-off, not a prostitute. You can then put your hands in his pants. He will fuck you in one position after you go down on him (Oh yeah, you will go down on him) because he cannot hold out for long as he is fucking a woman. You are that woman. This is okay because then he will leave and be out of your home. Once he sprays his shit, you can make one and only one comment, vague in nature. It is your choice, but it should be sexual. You will walk him to your door and say nothing. He will say, “Call me.” You will say what? NOTHING. Very good.
8. Maintaining: The best jump-off relationships are ones that are long lasting. They persevere through boyfriends and girlfriends, sometimes concurrently if you are into infidelity which, clearly, you are. They are not one-night stands. They are people who you fuck at least three times per season. More often if you are fortunate and know how to engage them beyond the first titty-fuck. Most of the time, you have to do nothing in order to maintain your jump-off. If your shit was right, it was right. There is not denying one’s Kegel force. You can send him a noncommittal text every so often. He will send you some as well. You are not required to respond. If you have sex more often than twice, the chances of forging a sexual relationship become great. If you do not hear from him in a month or two, fear not. His phone probably got turned off or he has reconciled temporarily with his baby’s mother. Or he might have gotten an actual girlfriend but then again, he probably didn’t. You, too, are free to seek out other sources of dick as keeping only one man in your cache is reckless and guarantees little result. You may as well get a boyfriend. So in the lulls, you create new relationships with other boys and rotate them as you see fit. The options are as endless as the combinations on a Ruby Tuesday lunch menu and seeing what you’re working with, you are all too familiar.
9. Role Reversal: There will come a time in your jump-off’s life when he will begin to see you as his booty call. This is inappropriate and not at all what you signed up for. He will call you and ask you to have sex with him. You will agree and then flake out on the plans. He will feel salty. He will then call you all night and leave you voicemails ranging from confused (“Hey, I think your phone is broken…”) to enraged (“You know, that’s real fucked up what you did!”), and back to confused and enraged (“I don’t know what the fuck’s up with your phone, but if you still wanna link up, holla back at me.”) You will not holla back at him until one week later when you want to have sex with him. He will show up. Feel free to make one passing comment about how he needs to stop acting like he is your boyfriend. That will make him mad probably and then he will fuck you and say something weird between grunts like, “You want a fucking boyfriend, bitch?” You can then grip him up by the neck and perform hateful coitus.
10. The Bottom Line: Managing a harem of lovers is an uncomplicated task so long as you do not invest yourself in any one of these men more than within the duration of deep dicking. It is when you begin to think of these people when they are not inside of you. If you do find yourself thinking what life would be like with your sex partner, you need to not. You need to do all that you can to avoid communicating with this person. You will not visit his blog. You will not follow him on Twitter. You do not need to know who he is having sex with when he is not having sex with you. Nor should he be privy to your vagina’s trade secrets. You will only invite dramatics into your life. You are carefree. You do not want a boyfriend. If you do want a boyfriend, solicit advice from someone in the business of boyfriends. I am not that person. You must remember that these men are replaceable. If one drops off, gets married, or goes gay, there are four more willings you can swap out in his place. You can add or subtract from your Fuck Fleet as little or as much as your vagina can handle before contracting something itchy.