It’s not everyday your favorite team, who sits atop the NL West while mired in a slump, has the opportunity to sign a drunken cry baby who gets his rocks off plunking opponents without warning, getting released by the Texas Rangers, one of the most pitching-starved franchises in baseball the past 20 years, and also is the first US athlete to catch swine flu.
I mean, that’s just a move you have to make, right?
Actual quotes from Dodgers players followed by thinking person’s translations:
“”If I caused so much trouble, I wouldn’t be here.”–Vincente Padilla.
Translation: I am in the last year of my deal and Jesus Christ on crutches, the Dodgers do not want Jeff Weaver anywhere near a mound every fifth day. Padilla win!
“I liked him a lot.”–Randy Wolf, former teammate of Padilla’s in Philly.
Translation: How can I call this guy a drunken asshole without getting hammered by PTI and Skip Bayless the next 24 hours?
“He’s worse than me?”–Manny Ramirez, on the idea that Padilla is a bad teammate.
Translation: He eats Mexican steroid enchilladas? Hope he likes Daddy Yankee too!
“He starts with a clean slate.”–Joe Torre
Translation: Listen assholes, I’ve been forced to deal with Jose Canseco, Kevin Brown, Gary Sheffield, Roger Clemens, and Jim Leyritz. A petulant drunk with the arm of a goddamn rocket on my team for only 3 months? Just make sure I get my Cialis and cranberry Snapple and wake me up when it’s the NLDS or when Russel Martin hits his 7th home run, whatever comes first. Now that kid has got some FIRE IN HIS GUT!