I’m Sending In The Wolf

From the neck down, that could be Robin Williams

From the neck down, that could be Robin Williams

MTV is going to remake the epic 80’s wolf comedy Teen Wolf into a weekly show.

Not cool, MTV.  Not cool. 

5 reasons why this will fail horribly:

1.  Rupert “Stiles” Stilinski is one of the most iconic 80’s characters of all time.  In the pantheon of Cocky/Dorky Friend of Main Character With a Quirky and Vaguely Homosexual Name Who is a Big Talker but Gets Clowned At Every Turn, Stiles is Earl Manigault.  You wanted to punch him in the face and then immediately go roof surfing with him.  Stiles always seemed like he would grow up to be Jerry Heller.  No one wanted to be Stiles when Teen Wolf came out, but 20 years later, he’s actually winning.

2.  This scene was so badass that I can’t imagine MTV having the minerals to pay homage to it.  It’s also the most accurate action taken by Michael J. Fox as the Wolf–destroying cans of beer with his new fangs.  I doubt an actual Teen Wolf would care enough about baskebtall to do suicide drills and practice the bounce pass to his center in the post.  Teen Wolf would want to party, hump, and possibly kill things.  The MTV weekly series will probably make him a paperboy whose dead set on going to college or some other lame shit

Oh Boof!

Oh Boof!

3.  Boof was hot.  Boof.  I just like saying her name.  And looking at it on my computer screen.  Boof.  Boof is also an all-time champion in the Hall of the Fame for “Childhood Friend of the Main Character Who is Secretly Smoking Hot but Goes Unnoticed Until the End Because the Guy is Too busy Chasing Perrier Skanks”.  Her character’s actual name was Lisa Marconi.  Use your imgination to determine where “Boof” came from.  I know I did ALOT in the 80’s.

4.  Chubby.  This guy played a key role not only in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure but as the lovable fat slob who is clearly 34 years old but still attends high school because of a severe learning disorder and because his dad was the janitor for 40 years.  Chubby is one of the teammates on the b-ball team that gets inspired by the Wolf’s charisma and Vince Carter-like hops to actually box out, get some put-backs, and sink a key free throw in the championship game.  MTV is looking to cash in on the True Blood/Twilight goldmine that is saving several studio heads from unemployment.  There will be no room for a character like Chubby because they want something “dark” and “sexy” but “modernized”.  Look at this guy.  The writing’s on the wall.

5.  TV versions of good-to-great movies mainly suck cow chode.  For every Buffy The Vampire Slayer, there’s dogshit TV versions of  Ferris Bueller, Indiana Jones, and Uncle Buck.  Even campy crap movies like Harry and the Hendersons have bombed on televsion.  It’s an absolute crap shoot, even when a film reaches cult status or makes a billion dollars.  Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the TV show?  No?  It lost big money, XFL-style.  It’s like drafting a white shooting guard: enter at your own risk.

The moral of the story is try to adapt a TV series into a movie.  Like “Land of the Lost”.

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4 thoughts on “I’m Sending In The Wolf

  1. Couldn’t have put it better myself. Great writing on this one Zill; poignant, but honest catharic action also!!! Haha. Classic Movie, destroyed by a studio with “big” and nu ideas….everwhat?!?
    ~Castro

  2. I was always disappointed that they didn’t stay true to “Last Crusade” and have River Phoenix play Young Indiana Jones in “Young Indiana Jones”. Wait…did he die by that point?

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