No disrespect to Commish who is my man fifty grand (hey–tell McDaniels thanks for Cutler!), but I really hate the Colorado Rockies.
Yes, they’ve won 7 in a row and now trail my Dodgers by 2 games in the otherwise hapless NL West (eff the Giants). Hell, they made the World Series two years ago, so it’s not like they’re some fluke team playing over their heads down the stretch only to get lambasted by a far superior American League team. I respect them as opponents, but Jesus Christ on crutches, do I hate this team. Here’s some reasons why:
1. They employed Larry Walker for a long-ass time. That guy is the definition of Canadian douchery, and I’m basing this off one instance when I was getting autographs and he said, “I’m Dante Bichette” because he didn’t feel like grabbing several Sharpies that day from 13 year olds. When he wasn’t winnng batting titles from hitting in a damn anti-gravity nest during the Steroid Era, he was rocking fu manchu’s though he was softer than the Snuggles Bear on its period. He was routinely hurt. And he had that dumb ass clunky cross body swing, something you don’t see much on .300 hitting lefties. Of course, the Cardinals fans diefied him when he was traded there later in his career. These are the same people who think Scott Rolen is a good guy and gloss over the fact that Rick Ankiel is a juicer. Anyway, Larry Walker was and is a pompous nut hugger.
2. Any sports team that strongly incorporates purple into their color scheme looks metro. This trait also belongs to the Baltimore Ravens and the Sacramento Kings, but the Rockies look the gayest in their purple, black, and silver. Guys on the team overcompensate by wearing eye black and wrist bands and scraggly beards and goin’ out there gettin’ dirty. Sorry to break this to you broseph, but purple doesn’t belong on grown men throwing balls 95 mph and swinging Louisville Sluggers designed to kill third basemen. During the ’07 World Series, you could’ve asked a hobo freebasing in front of Wawa who would win the title based solely on the uniforms: the Boston Red Sox, with their classic, simple stated navy, red, and white or the Colorado Rockies and their Prince-tinged, glittery vests and Morris Day pinstripes. I don’t even think Cam’Ron would wear a Rockies jacket.
3. They gave Denny Neagle $51 million. One of the rules of good baseball management is never overspend on pitchers who post insane numbers for the Atlanta Braves or the St. Louis Cardinals. Those teams employ pitching coaches handcrafted by the Gods of Tossed Objects. They were placed solely on this earth to make Jeff Weaver and Andy Ashby and Jeff Suppan and Kevin Millwood look good for 1-2 years. There’s a reason the Braves and Cardinals elect to let these guys walk in free agency: they usually lick goat taint at pitching in the major leagues. Denny Neagle once won 20 games for the Braves. He won 19 games in 4 years for the Rockies. His name is “Denny” and he’s over the age of 12 years old. And he was caught soliciting a street walker. And driving under the influence. And possibly using steroids in the Mitchell Report. His signing, along with the boondoggle that was Mike Hampton, pushed the cost of shitty starting pitching through the goddamn roof so that several years later, it wasn’t absurb when Kyle Lohse was asking for $11 mill a year to go 5 innings and give up 4 runs a game.
Then again, this is the team who took pitcher David Neid with their first pick in the expansion draft. He was from…the Atlanta Braves organization.
4. They are the whitest team this side of Boston. Clint Barnes. Todd Helton. Brad Hawpe. Matt Murton. Matt Herges. Ryan Speier. Troy Tulowitski. All I’m saying is ladies, don’t leave your mix drinks unattended around these guys. They not only look creepy but their lineup sounds like The University of Date Rape. I do hear that they have an excellent Beer Pong program.
5. Josh Fogg. Say his name in the Ben Stein voice. Josssh Fogggg. It’s fun but also depressing.
6. They actually let Adam Eaton pitch. The Phillies are paying Adam Eaton $8mill this year to NOT pitch on their team. Coincidentally, they are probably the best team in the National League right now. The Baltimore Orioles, the bastion of shitty vets for cheap, released him earlier this year. They are not anywhere near the best team in their own organization right now. The Rockies are on the cusp of being a dangerous playoff team and Adam Eaton has pitched in 4 games for them. His atrocious career has inpsired some brilliant internetians to creat The Adam Eaton Facts. Here’s some of my favorites:
-The shortest distance between two points is an Adam Eaton curveball.
-Adam Eaton’s position is listed as BP.
-Adam Eaton misunderstood the phrase “Chicks dig the long ball”
-Following botched Tommy John surgery, Adam Eaton had his throwing arm amputated. The following season, his ERA improved by half a run.
-The problem is that Adam Eaton took performance erasing drugs.
-If Adam Eaton and Albert Pujols ever shook hands, they would cancel each other out and disappear.
7. Don’t be fooled by Todd Helton’s grizzly man beard. He’s not a “throwback player” or a “gutsy leader” or a former football star who stuck with baseball “for the love of the game” as baseball writers and annoucers want you to believe (he backed up Heath Schuler and Peyton Manning at Tennesse). He’s a vastly overpaid player who escapes criticism because he doesn’t play in New York or Boston or LA. Did you know the Rockies gave him $141 mill for 9 years? Isn’t that bit a excessive for a small market team that has never won a World Series? Sure, he was an elite player in 2002. But do you think Todd Helton is worth $17 mill this year? His old manager Don Baylor even thinks he took steroids! As much as the Yankees and such get killed for spending a quarter of a billion on free agents, the Rockies handed out over $300 mill to Mike Hampton, Denny Neagle, and Todd Helton. Where’s the national outrage? Maybe Jason Marquis will get $16 mill a year extension after this season! That sounds about right.
8. People in Colorado do not give a shit about baseball. One would think that in 2007, the NL Champion Colorado Rockies would’ve drawn a shitload of people to their home games. Or at the minimum, this 2009 team, who is surging with mostly home grown talent, would’ve placed some fannies in the seats. What about the Blake Street Bombers of the mid 90’s with Dante Bichette, Ellis Burks, Larry Walker, and Andres Galarragga swatting balls to high heaven? Not so much. The Colorado Rockies greatest season for attendance was…1993, their innagural season when they started four guys named Chet. They drew 4.5 million fans. In 2007, they drew 2.3 million fans. They haven’t even drawn 3 million fans since 2001. The official team motto for the Rockies is “Can you feel it, Colorado?” Fans after 1993 have simply said “No, we don’t”.
9. One of their owners is Clear Channel. This conveniently allows me to attribute my hate of the smug Ryan Spilborgs and the omnipresent T-Pain all to one entity.
10. In 2006, management banned Maxim magazine from the clubhouse because it violated the team’s Christian code of conduct. “You’re trying to tell me that Jesus Christ couldn’t hit a curveball?” I never thought that line from Eddie Harris to Pedro Cerrano in the movie “Major League” could ever realistically be uttered in a major league clubhouse. Can you feel it, Colorado?!?!