Throw Away Your Television: Vh1’s Love & Hip Hop

Anybody happen to catch this show on VH1?  In short, it’s Basketball Wives meets Real Housewives meets Dipset, essential trashy Sunday night viewing when you don’t have HBO or Showtime.

It’s so great because it’s a reality show shot like a Hype Williams video from 1998.  Everything is staged.   The participants: Jim Jones, Olivia from G-Unit fame on the comeback trail, Capo’s loud and somewhat heinous looking girlfriend of 6 years, Fabolous’ longtime boo/babymama/full-time paid stylist, Swizz Beatz’s ex-baby mama that he left for Alicia Keys (upgrade), and this busty-er Amazonian upstart Minaj clone who thought it would be a good idea to move from LA to NYC to pursue a rapper career because Ortiz, Uncle Murda, Papoose, Jae Millz, and Saigon are doing so well in the rotten apple.

The confessionals are shot with extra high flourescent bulbs like the closeups in “Mo Money Mo Problems”.  Fab’s babymama has a tearful breakdown then runs to her Fabmobile, the Bentley, in hi-def slow motion like it was Foxy Brown’s “Gotta Get You Home” video.  Capo’s wiz’s handgestures are reminiscent of a young Earl Simmons when she speaks.  Jim Jones is on camera high out of his fucking skull for a good 10 mins of airtime. And everyone is coached to start shit wit a bitch over nuffin and/or “have each other’s back” when none of this chicks knew each other 10 minutes before the first cameraman showed up. 

It’s awful and trite, though not as corny as the “Brown Sugar” movie since the title of the show led me to believe it would be in that chamber, but I’ll check in just to see Jim Jones high on sour diesel laughing at nothing, getting tattoos, and judging more female boxing matches in New York night clubs because he’s a “hustler”.   If this show takes off, there will be an inevitable gimmick song Jones will put out to capitalize.  The adlibs will be glorious (“CONFESSIONS!”).  

Joe Budden is already taking notes on these chicks and their corresponding rap boyfriends/ex’s for future punchlines on the Slaughterhouse album.

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