Nicole is to Valentine’s sentiments as Marisa Tomei is to full frontal at 42 years old: something you need to see.
Valentino [val-en-tee-no] noun: As in Bobby. A honey-tongued male suitor in the business of overwrought and indiscernible Ooh-ing and Ahh-ing during coital participations.
Usage: Girl, don’t even get me started on some dirty talkin’ knuckleheads. Tre from around the way? He ain’t got nothin’ to say to me when we posted up on the phone at night, but as soon as he find himself in some shit worth talking about? He goes and gets all Valentino in my mama’s basement. I swear I was fixin’ to smother a brother right there, boo. Ooh, lemme get a sip?
Valentomb [val-en-toom] noun: Any number of romantic settings in which a man would rather meet his end than exist alongside the needy yippity-yap that dragged him there.
Usage: You know that chicken head, Leslie I’ve been talking to? Yeah, she got a friend, so what? Naw, dawg, you ain’t listening! So this bitch tells me she got some real special shit planned for me for Valentine’s Day or whatever. I’m thinking she gonna let me hit her sister, Patrice, you know, some real Venus and Serena type stuff and whatnot. Homie, I swear to God, I got to that linen napkin motherfucker, I look around and see a dozen dead dreams of pussy smashing flash before my eyes. It was like I was being buried alive on some Pac shit and that restaurant was my valentomb.
Valentoday? Maybe tomorrow [val-en-too-day may-be-too-mar-row] noun: The woman in whom a man has shown some interest but who has been kept on reserve until after the heart holiday as a means to save both face and funds.
Usage: Val’s a lovely girl, reeeeeally great, such a wonderful spirit inside of her and that’s not all, hiii-ohhh! But times are tough, am I right, my hombres? She’s been asking me to take her here and there, meet her mother and all sorts of other romantic obligations. So I say to her, oh you’re gonna love this, Brent, I say to her, ”Valentoday? Maybe tomorrow!” Up top, brother!
Valentini [val-en-tee-nee] noun: Brightly colored cocktails ordered by and served to single women who are commonly known to drink rather than feel their feelings. Those who favor such concoctions think that any prefix slapped onto the front end of -tini makes their drinkers seem cutesy-wootsy and not horribly insufferable as they so genuinely have proven themselves time and again.
Usage: Oh shittttt, this is my jammmmm! SINCE YOU BEEN GONEEE, I CAN BREATHE FOR THE…OH MY GOD, Beth, I love you, I fucking love you. You are my fucking girl, you know that. I swear to God, let any bitch in here come…oh shit, WAITER! WAIIIITER. Baby, we need…you are soooo sexy to me right now. Oh shitttt, lemme get…I am so wasted it’s not even funny right now…lemme get a round, like two, like a thousand rounds of valentinies for my fuckin’ girls. I love these whores. Oh God, I’m gonna throw…BLAAWWWARGH!
Snowmance [sno-mans] noun: An amorous relationship transpiring during the coldest and darkest days as a last resort for chilly singles sleeping double to kick up some heat between the sheets. Because there is no sensible person who wishes to be anchored in the season of cool breezes, snowmances drift as Spring thaws the clothes off our girlfriends. Commonly formed on ski lifts and around fireplaces.
Usage: Duuuude, what’s up? Nah, I’m not busy, bro, I’m just shaving my dick hairs. I know, right? Ah, hold on, bro. Okay, I’m back, I had to precision trim, bro, precision, dawg, ahhh, that’s wild. So, what’s up, Dirk, what’s going on? What’s the word? C’mon man, give it to me, dawg. Rochelle, ahh, no, bro, you saw the weather forecast this week, right? Fuckin’ A, bro dawgy. I sent her packing back to Aspen, dude. Strictly a snowmance ya heard? I’m not fucking Aspenian, bro. I’m fucking awesome is what I am. I let her know that shit. Capital fucking A-awes…Oh shit, gotta run, bro, my dick, dude, my dick!
Scowlentine [scowl-en-tine] noun: Miserable singles who, at the behest of no one, prattle on without provocation about the commercial and demeaning nature of Valentine’s Day in order to justify their being miserable singles. Scowlentines who later find themselves in relationships pretty much behave exactly the opposite because they are high on the vapor of being fucked by someone who really just wants to fuck someone.
Usage: I am soooo happy I am pretty, Simone. You should have seen the sad group of fat scowlentines hovering around the bar. If Jeffrey hadn’t given me this gigantic blood diamond mined from the souls of young African villagers, I might have actually lost my appetite over it. A what? What’s a recession? You know I don’t speak poor people, now fetch me my copter.
Valentiming [val-en-tie-meeng] noun: Comes in two varieties: poor and good. One who locks down a lover between the cold and lonelies of December and January is said to exhibit good Valentiming as they have a greater chance of becoming cuffed in time for romantic merrymaking. Any time thereafter and men are on high alert, becoming acutely aware of their impending holiday duties, thus rendering them incapable of committing until after February 14th. In a word: Poor. In another: Valentiming.
Usage: While Chris Brown’s abuse of leggy international superstar, Rihanna proved an unfortunate blow to their pristine pop bubble, his Valentiming could not have been better. We reckon the 50 G’s for bail pales in comparison to the needs and wants of a monied Caribbean queen.
Palin-time [pal-en-time] noun: The bookish bespectacled friend you enthusiastically bang behind closed doors but who, in public, is nary mentioned to friends unless in cold blooded jest.
Usage: My brother, my brother, my brother, let me school you on something, my ba-ruh-thurrr. The white woman? Devil incarnate. Motherfucking devil reborn on two legs, casting her spell on to the black man as a way to keep us way way down, down in the fiery pits, to perish at the foot of Beelzebub himself. Come close, my brother, closer now. You see that she-devil over there, with the pale white skin and dark brown hair, that vile lady demon? I fucked the Holy ever-loving Spirit out of that Palin-time in the name of Sarah herself! I steamed up thy corrective lens and cast the spell right back into the soul of that swine-eating imp! But you ain’t never heard that word from me. Brother.
Van Gogh-mance [van-go-mans] noun: The sort of chatty naggy relationship one endures primarily for sexual reasons, as participating in a Van Gogh-mance more often than not makes you wish yourself deaf or, ideally, earless.
Usage: Sometimes when I think about the hell that I’ve been through over the past year-and-a-half with Renee and her constant talking about boring shit loudly, I recall fond memories of her chowing down on my piece like it’s her last meal. And that other shit she does when she’s splayed on my futon like a seizing, big-tittied starfish. And her indiscriminate lovemaking of women in my presence. And the butt stuff. Yo, the butt stuff! And pretty much every time she’s let me bust off in her with the comfort of knowing she’s got Plan B by the pound stashed in her nightstand. Yeah, I think of that shit, man. And it’s that shit that makes me proud to be trapped in a Van Gogh-mance with one of the most vile, self-serving women on the planet.
Dow-entine [dow-en-tine] noun: The man one pity fucks as a means to soften the blow of his recent recession related unemployment. The man one also doesn’t fuck as a result of recession related impotence.
Usage: Working as a high class hooker, I’ve had my fair share of limp-dicked Dow-entines crawling out from under their stocks and bondage to give my profesh puss some play. Yet not even the scent of my lavender and Gold Bond infused money grip can raise their falling economies. You know, their dicks and shit.
UGK f/ Outkast “International Player’s Anthem”
Etta James “My Funny Valentine”
Jodeci “Forever My Lady”