One of the best compliments a man should strive for is to be called a gentleman. A gentleman carries himself with respect, class, humor, intelligence, and confidence. He never allows himself to be taken advantage of, and he never loses control of himself in a pressing situation. He opens doors for women. He buys the first round of drinks. He doesn’t talk on the cell phone while picking up his dry cleaning. It’s simple respect, and the more he gives, the more he gets back.
A “guy” makes things up as he goes along. Sometimes he strikes it rich, other times he goes home quietly and falls asleep to Sportscenter. A “player” builds himself up on illusions, shortcuts, and schemes to achieve his set goal of possessing or ensnaring women. A gentleman uses wit, conversation, attention to detail, an air of playfulness and mystery. Rejection doesn’t deter him from enjoying his time, nor does it fuel retribution to all future women he encounters. Fast annonymous sex doesn’t validate his idealized power over women because his desires don’t stem from self-loathing and fear. A gentleman is entitled to nothing; he knows how to cope with anything. And his impression is always a positive one.
I bring up The Gentleman because I watch Jersey Shore. I trust your intelligence and the likelihood that you have basic cable, so I won’t write an essay on the wonders of cheap sex, hair gel, and the burgeoning emergence of the Tan American (when being labeled a simple “Caucasian” just doesn’t do the trick, choose “Tan” on your next job application). The latest episode I watched focused on Vinny, a misguided 22 year old momma’s boy from Staten Island with a hunger for homemade broccoli rabe, aviators at night, and waxed eyebrows.
The women of Miami just can’t get enough of the guy after 4 am. Look at him: youthful Italian exuberence, babyfaced innocence, no visible effects of veneral diseases. Even his female roommates are powerless to his vast knowledge of tank tops and cuddling. But the episode “All in the Family” presents Vinny as a kid who can joyfully stick his traditional Italian American braciole into willing skanks, but deep down he’s a serial romantic looking for “wife material”. And just like how Barack met Michelle, Vinny meets the girl of his dreams gyrating for attention at a club on South Beach.
I’m now going to outline every single way Vinny blew it with the girl of his dreams, Ramona, then provide the Gentleman’s approach to the same situation for greater results.
-Walk up to Ramona
-Tell her how beautiful she is
-Tell her you love her
-Tell her you couldn’t possibly even talk to another girl the rest of the night because she is a Bentley and other skeezers are Subaru Outbacks, more or less
-Ask for her phone number
-Put tongue back in mouth
-Pump fist to “Sandstorm” in celebration
-Walk up to Ramona
-Compliment her on a trivial underappreciated element of her outfit (purse, shoes, finger nails, etc)
-Discuss the merits of “Bad Boys 2” vs. “Scarface” as the ultimate tourist guide to Miami
-Do not tell her you love her because every drunken a-hole in the place has tried flattery and lust as a means to capture her. She knows she’s hot, hence that $9 cranberry and vodka she did not pay for.
-Do not vow a night of celibacy in her honor because women see through bullshit and you will most likely break that vow with a slightly overweight housemate whose last name ends in a vowel anyway
-Politely ask to continue the conversation with her later because she is interesting and attractive and it’s much too noisy to get to know more about her in this wonderous environment
-Ask for her phone number
-Smile and then walk away
-Declare Ramona, a total stranger you know next to nothing about, to be the type of woman you’d actually “take out on a date” and introduce to your mother
-Project extremely high expectations for you eventual long-term relationship with this stranger
-Call her the next day and awkwardly ask her to join you on a double date with two other strangers that night
-Buy new threads, get hair cut, and purchase flowers with Pauly D, your co-captain for tonight’s voyage on the Love Boat
-Catch up on your reading, improve your eliptical training, relax in the jacuzzi with a copper mug filled with Mint Julep, go to a Marlins game with the fellas, then wait another three days to call Ramona
-Casually ask her when she is free
-Offer to pick her up at her home or to meet her at a moderately priced restaurant without Pauly D and his Cubana bombshell. You want to get to know her
-Do not buy her flowers because that is subtely asking for acceptance and approval. Wait until the 10th date, or her birthday, for flowers. She has taken free gifts and free dinners from many other men in the past. She has to earn it, the same way you have to be charming, interesting, and respectful to earn a second date
-Call Ramona a second time the same day for confirmation
-When she says she cannot make it tonight, tell her you understand then immediately hang up on her
-Mope and pout by the jacuzzi and await insight from Ronnie and The Situation
-Dramatize the entire exchange while expressing how much of a good guy you are. Become frustrated that Ramona, a hottie stranger you met 15 hours ago at a club, doesn’t value your classy upbringing and immaculately shaped eyebrows
"How could she not be into you?"
-Do not call Ramona a second time for confirmation. You have already cemented definite plans with her on the first phone call, which lasted almost five minutes.
-If she calls back to cancel, tell her it’s quite alright and await for her to reschedule. If she does not intiate plans for a make-up date, she’s giving you the brush off and you move on to another Bentley at the club. She feels guilty but if she is interested, she’ll give you options to see her again. If she does not give options, she feels guilty for even giving out her number, and she will be back at the club allowing other fine chaps to rub their crotches against her for free.
-Mope and pout around the house for another 2 hours
-Envy Pauly D, who had no problem securing a date with his future wife Cubana Whatshernamealina
-Devise a plan to convince Ramona to uncancel with you tonight by calling her a third time in the same day
–Guilt her with charm and desperation: apologize for hanging up on her earlier with a flimsy excuse that you quickly gloss over, let her know about the flowers you already bought her and the pending engagement party The Sitaution is already planning with your Uncle Nino and thirty-seven other family members
-Hope against hope your romantic tactics were too much to turn down
-Fist pump in celebration to “Sandstorm” when Ramona awkwardly re-agrees to an awkward double date with your awkward creepy ass
-Sit around the house fully dressed for three hours while Ramona ducks your fourth call today
-Curse the Gods for smiting your journey to bliss with Ramona after she stands you up
-Put on Kid Cudi’s CD and relate totally. Then meet up with your housemates at the club and rub your crotch on a Subaru Outback
-Wish Pauly D all the best on his date and realize you probably dodged a bullet with the flaky Ramona. Do not call Ramona again. She has to contact you if there is any interest on her side.
-Catch the latest Noah Baumbauch film with JWoww, who LOVED “The Squid and the Whale”, instead of moping around the house
-Take Ramona’s rejection with a grain of salt
-Do not listen to anything Ronnie or the bumbling Uncle Nino tell you about women ever
-Do not have sex with Snooki or Angelina tonight. A gentleman never acts desperately or uses sex as therapy. A gentleman also doesn’t sleep with women he shares a house with unless they are in committed relationship
-Take pride in your youth, your celebrity that you worked very little to earn, and remember that everything you’re doing now with be on tape, archived and recorded for future viewing to the world for the rest of your life
-Put on your Dean Martin CD, make a fresh Sambuca Con Mosca, and feel fucking invicible. And Italian.