Clap Cowards

Here’s another segment I’m throwing at ya, captain: I Used to Rock Dem Tapes.

Before MP3s and blogs and iPods, there was cassettes. Cassettes were my friends. They were small. They had a finite shelf life. They were cheaper than CDs. They provided the chance to make an actual “mixtape” since they were, you know, tapes. Essentially they were the beeper of music consumption–compact, handy and definitely limited.

But the limited capabilities made them great. You couldn’t just upload, drag, download or burn a mix in 6 minutes. If you were going to make a 60 minute mixtape, you HAD to sit there for 60 minutes and sequence song after song from whatever source the songs came from: vinyl, CD, radio, etc. More time had to be spend making a bangin’ mixtape so you had to be on your game. As you’ll see in the pics, I spent just as much time sequencing the material as I did putting together some cover art *NERD ALERT*:

The first mix I’m throwing at you is my best of the Okayplayer/Rawkus era circa ‘99. It’s called “Native Tonuges 2000″ and it features the best music from The Roots, Black Star, and Common before they started getting shit on by critics who value cocaine and hand claps over great rap. But enough of all that…

Here’s the full tracklisting and some links to download a few choice MP3s from the mix.

“Native Tongues 2000: The Roots, Black Star, Common”
Maxell UD II CD High Bias
110 Mins

SIDE A
1. Definition-Black Star
2. RE:DEFinition-Black Star
3. The Lession Pt. 1-The Roots f/ Dice Raw
4. 100% Dundee-The Roots
5. Push Up Ya Lighter-The Roots f/ Bahamadia
6. Freestyle-Funkmaster Flex f/ Common
7. Freestyle-Tony Touch f/ Common
8. Body Rock-Mos Def f/ Q-Tip, Tash
9. Fortified Live-Reflection Eternal f/ Mos Def, Mr. Man
10. Twice Inna Lifetime-Black Star f/ Jane Doe, Punch & Words
11. Maybe One Day-Brand Nubian f/ Common
12. Travelin Man-DJ Honda f/ Mos Def
13. Ain’t Sayin Nothin New-The Roots f/ Dice Raw
14. Check the Method-Common f/ No I.D.
15. Proceed-The Roots

SIDE B
1. 1-9-9-9-Common f/ Sadat X
2. Freestyle-Funkmaster Flex f/ Mos Def
3. Like They Used to Say-Common
4. Stretch & Bobbito Freestyle-Black Thought, Common, Pharoahe Monch, Absolute
5. Talkin to You-Black Star, Pharoahe Monch, Rah Digga, A-Butta
6. Chaos-Reflection Eternal f/ Bahamadia
7. Universal Magnetic-Mos Def
8. Next Universe-Mos Def
9. Respirtation-Black Star f/ Common
10. Respiration (Pete Rock Remix)-Black Star f/ Black Thought
11. I Used to Love H.E.R.-Common
12. Love of my Life-The Roots f/ Common
13. Double Trouble-The Roots f/ Mos Def

Ok, so when I’m not pimping tracks I’ve done with 2ew Gunn Ciz, I’m pimping my best friend/Clean Gunner/business partner Nico the Beast and his Feed the Beast promotion (make sure you vote this week–2 totally different joints with 2 different stories, both redonk).

On top of that, I’m pimping the 5 O’Clock Shadowboxers EP me and Douglas Martin have collaborated on the past 5 months.  People have gone apeshit for the song “High Noon” (ok, not people…person–hey Jeff!).  It’s been up on my MySpace page for a while.  The newest song we did is called “Stay Clean” and it’s up now on MySpace thanks to the handywork of Douglas over at the OFFICIAL (accept no substitues nor spammers) 5 O’Clock Shadowboxers myspace page (look to the right–too lazy to link that jammie).  You can also check out probably the crown jewel of the whole “project” called “Dead Queens” featuring Nico the Beast.  It sounds like the soundtrack to getting your nose broken at etiquette school. 

I’m not a firm believer in VH1 Storytellers because most songs I write are complete horseshit to begin with.  However, “Stay Clean” is kinda interesting in that I sat on the beat for easily 3 months.  I loved it and yet had nothing to say to it like a bad marriage or something.  Finally, I got to writin’ and it came out to be my 2nd favorite track of the project next to “Weak Stomach.”

Here’s the formula to how I wrote the lyrics for “Stay Clean:”

Elliot Smith
+ not wanting to bite Biggie’s “Got a Story to Tell” nor Eric B. & Rakim’s “Mahogany”
+ phone call/email from someone stupid about something stupid
+ Aunt Jessica
-1st draft where I referenced the Beatles and Kurt Cobain (lame)
+ Cape May, NJ
- swag 
+ “scandalous” text messages 
+ Iron Man Slurpee cups
- feeling bad about not seeing “Speed Racer”
+ roast beef hoagie with light mayo
+ Neil Strauss sucking

= “Stay Clean”

As a young bol in the late mid-to-late 90s, the Source  was the truth, slap my hand on the Bible!  I COULD NOT WAIT to get off the bus at Broad and Tasker on the way to high school and walk past the newstand before heading down the piss-infested steps of the Broad St. Line.  Would this be the day the new issue of the Source came out?  Nope–already got the one with Lil’ Kim and Foxy on the cover.

And if you were the first dude to cop that new Source, you damn well knew that if you pulled it out any point during the school day, you’d be asked 12 times during every class if Lamont or Brian or Jeff or Malik could “hold dat” until the bell.  It gave you a sense of exclusivity and power like Morgan Freeman’s character Red in “Shawshank Redemption”–you were THE GUY who had what they so desperately wanted.  You would either say, “Nah I haven’t even read it yet.  I’ll let you hold it later” which was a TOTAL lie and they knew it; or you would succumb to the ice grillin’ and the constant cries of “C’mon man!?!” and pass it off KNOWING you’d get it back in 42 minutes with the cover all mangled and bent, pages wrinkled, spine tattered.  

**People complain about kids not reading, playing too many video games, blah blah blah–in my 4 years of high school, not a day went by when guys of all ages, races, and reading levels weren’t devouring the Daily News, Inquirer, Metro, Source, XXL, or Slam.**

The most exciting time to be an avid read of The Source was the Year End Issue.  In it, you learned what the most essential, exciting, and outstanding moments were in the past hip hop calendar year.  Don’t feed me that horseshit as to why you didn’t hear the Diamond D remix of Ras Kass’ “Soul on Ice” yet–The Source put it on the Best of Fat Tape ‘97!  Find that song, I couldn’t care HOW you do it, and revere it, study it, become it.

My absolute favorite section was the Hip Hop Quotable of the Year.  Back when rappers actually gave a rat’s ass about writing great lyrics, there was no higher honor.  If you didn’t know that verse by heart already, the Source had it all written out for you–how else did I manage to memorize Ghostface’s verse on “Impossible” (Quotable of ‘97) and Big Pun’s verse on “Dream Shatterer” (Quotable of ‘9  in the matter of a day?  That’s how much weight the Source held not too long ago–you were forced to acknowledge lyrical greatness in a time when lyrics were the main entree. 

If you hadn’t noticed by the latest Webbie song, lyrics kinda got shitty.  And since no one reads the Source anymore, it’s hard to find a central hip hop church to worship greatness.   This blog is FAR from that.  But I wanted to do my part as a hip hop fan who still gets amped over a ferocious 16 or 24 or 48 bar beatdown.  So here’s another subsection of the blog called Verse of the Year Contender.

I started this blog too late to include Black Thought’s ungodly “75 Bars.”  Believe you me, that is making the rounds in my cerebral cortex everyday.  Today, I wanted to spotlight Elzhi’s jawdropping scamper through threats, double entendres, punchlines and “oh shit!” moments on the track “Motown 25″ featuring Royce 5′9” produced by Black Milk.  You can listen to it here:

http://www.zshare.net/audio/11770252ab29e51d/

I’m not going to transcribe the whole thing (believe me, I want to).  I do want to add a few thoughts:

1. If you didn’t peep my last Beat Generation column at the Passion of the Weiss, scroll down to the section about rappers who rap just enough to maintain greatness and relevance.  Elzhi has NEVER come off wack, nor written anything that wasn’t punishing, clever, layered and delivered with pinpoint clarity.
2. Doc Zeus just wrote a piece on the imporance of MCs actually writing down their lyrics.  Barry from Disco Vietnam is a strong advocate of spontaneity and rappers staying true to themselves and their lyrics by freestyling verses to capture that raw exuberance.  However, this is what happens when an MC enjoys writing lines down in front on him, tying concepts together, eliminating wasteful words, and creating lyrical beartraps for the listener to walk right into.
3. Royce 5′9”, whose “Bar Exam” mixtape is still a clinic on lyrics, gets absolutely SPANKED on this joint.  Me and Nico listened to this at the lab last night and wondered why Royce decided to rhyme after Elzhi and why he even bothered to jump on the track.  Royce borrows Jay’s flow and inflection from “American Gangster” to no avail.  He is relegated to clean-up duty, like U-God spitting on a joint after Method Man.  Royce is one of the sharpest MCs alive and is powerless to Elzhi’s brilliance. 

I’ll be writing more posts like this whenever someone writes some mindblowing bars.  Let me know in the comments if you have any picks thus far for 2008.

I realized today that I don’t check out any blogs that don’t deal directly with music, TV, movies, comedy, books, sports, etc. so pardon me if I’m late for the dance.  I wanted to use this platform quickly to spread the word on an outstanding event happening here in Philly.  I do alot of blogging and rapping and promoting, but on the day-to-day I work for a behavioral health non-profit.  It’s pretty inspiring.  Normally I keep the two worlds separate, but I wanted to reach out to as many people as possible.  Here’s the full rundown…

To my fellow runners/walkers/mental health advocates:

I am writing you today to tell you about an upcoming event that I am participating in that is both very important and very exciting to me. It is NAMIWalks for the Mind of America, NAMI’s signature walkathon event that is being held in Philadelphia, PA at Memorial Hall, 4300 N. Concourse Dr (@Parkside Av) on May 31, 2008.

I’ve worked in the mental health field for the past 2 years and wanted to give back to the population of people we serve everyday. It’s impossible to work in the non-profit behavioral health field and not want to contribute. The people who work here give so much of their time and energy, so it’s only right I do the same.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. Visit my personal walker page to sign up:

http://www.nami.org/namiwalks08/PHI/szales

It features a link to my team’s page where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate directly to me online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I’ll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all those whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities “most likely to save the world” and has been given an “A” rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars.

Thank you in advance for your support!

Sincerely,

Steve “Zilla Rocca” Zales

I got a text from 2ew Gunn Ciz  this morning at 4:15am saying “Alter Ego’ is up on hiphopdx.com in the media section produced by Zilla Rocca of Beat Garden Ent.”  This was a great way to wake up on a Monday morning, as the weather here in Philly went from 70 degrees last week to cold, rainy, and windy.

So the track is “Alter Ego.”  You can check it out here.  About a month ago, Ciz set HipHopDx.com on FIIIYAH with the track “Crush Rock” produced by Rhythm J featuring my good friends Reef the Lost Cauze, Nico the Beast, and M.O.G. of Triple Nickels.  That jawn got almost 30,000 hits, so hopefully people respond to this track with 5/8ths of the same love.  I did a couple more joints for Ciz’s upcoming redonkulous mixtape “Tailgating: The 3 Second Rule” but I signed a contract in blood swearing me to secrecy lest my family be shipped back to Czechkoslovakia by the “goons” at Exponent Entertainment (whattup Jodie and Cceli!).  Mother’s Day was yesterday, and my fam doesn’t need that!  So until I get the world, enjoy the “Alter Ego.” 

*You can also hear Ciz on the Yadibox.com mixtape on the track “The Grind” as well as on Nico the Beast’s album “No Beast so Fierce” on the biffy bangers “Feedin Time” and “Philly Codes” (both produced by Alex Wood)*

Here’s a little secret about most rappers: sometimes we just want to sing really good (or bad) love songs. Here’s the problem: minus Phonte of Little Brother, Mos Def, k-os, and a few others, we can’t frickin sing. At all. Most rappers would never admit this. Some are openly frustrated 70s R&B crooners (I see you Snoop and Ghostface).

With that in mind, I’m starting a segment called Three For Love. I’m going to spotlight 3 love songs I secretly wish I wrote.

The first track I picked sounds like someone in my position–all desire but not enough talent to be a certified crooner (whattup Dom P!). His name is Pharrell Williams, and he’s been surprisingly successful singing memorable hooks with not much…oh what’s the word…skill? “Frontin’” is probably the best example of this. Think about how BIG this song was when it came out 5 years ago, then think about if you’d ever want to hear Pharrelll’s falsetto ever again. If you watch the video again it looks like the genesis of hipster rap. And I’m still madly in love with the smokin’ hot redhead–any leads on her, fellas?

I’m posting the 9th Wonder remix of “Frontin.” It’s based on a sample of “My Cherie Amor,” still my favorite Stevie Wonder song of all time. Like most 9th Wonder beats, it’s does the job of keeping your head bouncing while not getting in the way of the artist.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/1174291162a40ebd/

Up next is a song from the new Jamie Lidell album, “Jim.” The track “All I Wanna Do” reminds me of Sam Cooke and slowdancing in the summertime. I was huge fan of Jamie’s last album “Multiply” even as James Blunt completely ripped off the same album cover (assclown). This time around Jamie ditches the electronic glitches and quirky effects for a straight forward ol’ soul album. “All I Wanna Do” has the hiss of analog tape, and that’s fine by me. Fellas, if you can’t close the deal with this song playing, may God have mercy on your soul.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/11742956285efd01/

Finally, we have the greatest hip hop love song of all time. Sorry Tribe, Common, LL, and Apache but Rakim’s “Mahogany” is the perfect comination of slick, sexy, visual, mature, and Memphis soul. I discovered this song on “The 18th Letter” double album I bought at the Franklin Mills mall in the winter ‘97 as I was trying to write my own love song with a sweetheart from the great Northeast. That never panned out, but acquiring this song was worth the trip.

The one thing that always bugged me about this song is the line “You know how far a kiss could go, fuck around and miss the show.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but Rakim NEVER said the F word on any song besides this one. He’s the cleanest lyricist of all time, and yet he decides to say Fuuuuuuudge on a song about an all-world cover girl he met cooling outside the Palladium. Weird.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/11742991a6b4d9f9/

Buy Pharrell’s musichere

Buy Jamie Lidell’s music here

Buy Rakim’s music here

In the small amount of time since Beat Garden started, we’ve been EXTREMELY fortunate to meet so many outstanding people that share the same love for music as us.  Whether they be fellow MC’s or DJs, bloggers, promoters, or fans, it’s been amazing to see how approachable and genuine people are when they are truly doing something they love.  And frankly, it makes the hustle/grind/hard work that much easier when you interact with anyone who has “the Glow” like Bruce Leroy (sho nuff!).

One of the reasons I started this blog was to start a discussion with people I’ve met the past 2 years who are heavily involved in music and are doing big things.  They might not be on the radio.  They might not be on YouTube.  They might not even be doing hip hop.  But they are dedicating a large portion of their lives to contribute to this big messy traveling sideshow we call the music business.  With that in mind, here’s the first installment of the segment titled Let Me Learn You Something, where I let these dynamic people share their experiences with you.  (I owe a huge debt to Guy Oseary because his book “On the Record” is the main inspiration behind this segment.  Go cop that!)

The first person I wanted to feature on this segment is Stress.  Before we met, I was terrified of him–a fully tattooed, buzz cut-having metal head who was posting alot on 215hiphop.com as well as working with Philly greats Reef the Lost Cauze, Side Effect, and the Sub Hoodz.  After meeting him at the World Cafe Live last December, Stress has become one of my favorite people in the world.  I have yet to meet a more honest, helpful, and good-hearted guy in the Philly hip hop scene. 

He’s been touring for the past 15 years with Sub Hoodz, Lordz of Brooklyn, Reef the Lost Cauze, and many others.  He has produced absolute BANGERS for the above mentioned artists as well as Gym Class Heroes, Tyga (of MTV’s new joint label with Gym Class Heroes and Lil’ Wayne), Ghostface Killah, Lil’ Wayne and many more.   He is a tremendous engineer and student of music.  He is one of the rowdiest live DJs I’ve ever seen.  He’s pushing to be the hip hop Annie Leibovitz (check his photos on his blog Stress The White Boy).  And he is a man that values family and relationships above all else.  Here’s some info on Stress for those that slept…

1.  At what point did you realize music was what you wanted to do?

When I graduated high school, my best friend Harry (Hav) started SubHoodz, and we started doing big things quickly, so that was definitely a catalyst.  That and just being a true lover of music definitely had a hand in me jumping head first in making music a career..

2.  How has Philly shaped your sound or molded you as a producer/engineer/DJ?

Philly is DEFINITELY a DJ’s city, everyone knows that.  I got into  production from being a DJ.  I looked up to, and still do, to DJ Cash Money, Jazzy Jeff, etc.  I am definitely a crate digger, and Philly in
general has soooo much diverse music to pull from, its retarded.  I pull from everywhere, but definitely some obscure soulful sounds that are Philly based have been flipped by me.  I love Philly and everything about it.  I have “700 Level For Life” tattooed on my forehead and many liberty
bells tattooed on me as well..  haha

3.  Who were the people you looked up to and learned the most from?

Most importantly, my parents.  I come from a very blue collar steel worker’s family.  My parents supported me and my brothers & sisters in whatever we chose to do in life.  My Dad would let me quit countless jobs and still live at home so I could do tour after tour after tour.  Amazing.  When my Father died, I made a point to even go harder at pursuing my goals in music.  Aside from my family, I have always looked up to legendary Grammy Award wining, Philadelphia based producer Dave Ivory.  Dave is a legend in the business and a class act.  Dave has taught me alot from just being around him.  I have also learned a lot from a close friend by the name of Paul Conroy.  Paul is probably the biggest name in the heavy metal world.  Although its not hip-hop, I have learned sooo much from him, its crazy.  I also look up to Tony D, Trenton based producer thats known for all of Poor Righteous Teachers hits, as well as Adam “ADM” McCleer of The Lordz (of Brooklyn)..  Definitely learned from him when I was coming up as well.. Joe and Phil Nicolo are  guys that
I looked up to, as well as my bud Chuck Treece.

4.  With everything you’ve learned thus far, what do you wish you could have told yourself at the beginning?  Would you have done anything differently? 

I dont think I would have done everything differently.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  There is perfect timing for everything on this earth, and you just have to keep pushing forward
and bide your time.  When Hav and I started SubHoodz, we didnt want to be a “corner bar band”..  We shot for the stars.  And thank God, we have done A LOT of stuff.  In 17 years beween the two of us, we have done everything imagineable in the music industry but get rich, and that isn’t the most important thing to us.  Its been an up and down roller coaster ride, but I genuinely love music, so in the long run, its OK with me.  I wouldnt change anything.

5.  Here’s a scenario: tomorrow you become the CEO of a major label.  What are the first 3 things you would do as the boss?

Thats a real tough question to answer.  I probably wouldn’t take the job.  haha.  Fuck that.  My phone blows up off the hook 24/7/365, so I couldn’t imagine what the phone situation would be like.  haha.  My buddy Hav and I for years have run our own indie record labels, before it was the cliche’ thing to say or do.  We used to run and own a label called 215 Records, Inc. and now we run Krush Unit, Inc.  We have kind of slowed down with putting records out b/c we are trying to find a way to compete with the state of the way the whole music business is nowadays.  We basically started our own labels to put out our music or music we believed in.  The game has definitely changed.  We are just trying to figure out how we can change with it and still do us.

6.  What are some of your favorite albums?

Bad Brains “Rock For Light”..  Slayer “Reign In Blood”..  Nas “Illmatic”..  Murphy’s Law “Back With A Bong”..  Cro-Mags “Age Of Quarrel”..  Supergrub “Communicator”..  Anything & Everything from the Bouncing Souls..  Anything & Everything from Madball..  BDP “By All Means Necessary”..  Tiger Army “Music from Regions Beyond”..  Pete Rock  C.L. Smooth “Main Ingredient”..  The Clash “London Calling”..  Lee “Scratch” Perry “Cutting Razor:  Rare Cuts From The Black Ark”..  Into Another “Ignarus”..
Ghostface Killah “Big Doe Rehab”..  Vision “In The Blink Of An Eye”..  Descendents “Somery”..  Token Entry “Jaybird”..

7.  What is inspiring your work right now?

As of lately, turning my phones off to be honest. My phone has been nuts.  Haha.  Makes me NOT want to do music.  I have been touring alot for the last year and a half, and I have been home for a little bit, so its back to making tracks again..  Just being home is good inspiration.  I always find different ways or methods to get inspired, it just varies daily.

8.  What advice would you offer to someone getting into the business at this time?

If you get into music “trying to get that rap money” or thinking it is an easy payday or road to the riches..  You DEFINITELY have a rude awakening.  Think about it…  Thanks to the computer, EVERYONE thinks they are some type of musician…  You really have to love it to hopefully
succeed.  Its a very clogged and watered down market..  Talent and the test of time will be the tell tale of who “makes it” and who doesnt.  You just have to have a genuine love for music and never try to burn any bridges.  Your reputation is all you have…

*All photos taken from Stress The White Boy Blog*

Here’s the latest news on Stress.  Be sure to add him here on MySpace:

“STRESS has 4 song placements on the new TYGA album “No Introduction” on
Decaydance/MTV Records.  One was with Lil’ Wayne on the song “I Am”..
  Im hoping the clearance happens so that song it makes the album!!!

STRESS will be on this summer’s VANS WARPED TOUR DJing for The LORDZ!
  Speaking of The Lordz, they have a reality television show on FUSE TV
called “The Brooklyn Way” which debuts April 17th, 2008.  Check in to
see me part of the show!!

The Official  STRESS ReMix of Gym Class Heroes “Clothes Off!” is now
available on the Gym Class Heroes “As Cruel As School Children” MVI
Re-Issue on Decaydance/Fueled By Ramen Records and is also featured as an
iTunes “album only” bonus track on the new Ghostface Killah album “Big
Doe Rehab” on Def Jam Records!!!”

I want to give a big THANK YOU to Stress for being the lab rat on the first installment of Let Me Learn You Something! 

I was going to wait until tomorrow but as they say, a plan is a list of things that don’t happen.

From the superb new album “Third,” here is my remix of Portishead’s single “Machine Gun.” It’s very similar to my Amy Winehouse and Jamie Lidell remixes, but when a beat calls out to you, you better pick up that damn phone and get busy on it!!!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/1164627320e561b4

*Edit–Just read an outstanding interview with Geoff Barrow, 1/3 of Portishead, at Remix Mag.  Here’s the best part: he completely tears Timbaland, Mark Ronson and DJ Spooky new assholes.  If someone in the hip hop community would’ve made these comments, there’d already be 13 diss songs and YouTube videos made.  Love those Brits!  Here’s the choice excerpt:

“[America's music] is shit, isn’t it?” he continues. “The hip-hop artists are just rubbish. Jay-Z’s records always sound good, but he got the sack from Universal. If you end up with a country Britney, it doesn’t matter ’cause they’re all twats anyway. Timbaland came to England trying to find a Coldplay to produce. Everyone told him to fuck off. He went to America and got his own band and they are gi-normous, the most revolting people you have ever seen in your life. They are called Timbaland. We all like it underground but no one is buying it. Even Moby is struggling.”

The members of Portishead — Beth Gibbons, Adrian Utley and Barrow — haven’t made a proper studio record since 1997’s Portishead (Go! Discs/London), the follow-up to their own gi-normous debut, Dummy (Go! Discs/London, 1994), but they have been listening. Barrow didn’t like what he heard.

“Mark Ronson’s record is shit,” Barrow exclaims, referring to the celebrated Amy Winehouse-associated producer’s release Version (Allido, 2007). “He is a massive superstar in the UK. He considers himself as Quincy Jones. I’ll tell you who else is really bad: DJ Spooky. He is so full of shit. At least Mark Ronson is talented. I saw DJ Spooky at the Knitting Factory, and I tried to buy a beer to throw at him. There are black people in England, so you don’t have to come here and make out that there aren’t any black people in England’s art community. You have someone like Madlib who is a fucking genius — a genius! [He's] a real true artist in what he does, when he takes American TV soundtracks and turns them into hip-hop. Then Spooky turns up and plays a couple shit European drum ‘n’ bass records.”

Saturday afternoon, I went to a matinee showing of “Iron Man” with my stepfather.  I could dedicate an entire blog to this fantastic film and how Robert Downey Jr. is making a comeback like LL on “Mama Said Knock You Out”(minus the deoderant chunks on MTV Unplugged of course).  I could write about the advancement of comic book movies post-”Batman Begins” as a serious attempt to create great art based on dime store pamphlets most mothers tossed in the trash 40 years ago.  I could even write about Jeff Bridges’odd shaped melon that I could not take my eyes off throuhgout his entire performance. 

But no…in spite of all the great things that make up “Iron Man,” I’m focusing on a larger issue: overplayed and overlicensed songs, or why in the world a track like “Back in Black” by AC/DC was used to open up this blockbuster.  The problem is that 40 year old program directors and music supervisors don’t really listen to anything made after 1992.  So when the opening sequence of “Iron Man” was flickering before my eyes, I almost spit out the $7 hot dog I was eating because once again I had to hear “Back in Black.”

AC/DC is a great band.  Even if you don’t know any of their album cuts like me, you’re heard from your pedophiling uncle or your older brother or your friendly neighborhood classic rock station (I think we’re up to 5 here in Philly)  that dammit, AC/DC IS IMPORTANT! I’m not gonna argue that, even though I cannot forgive a band who lets Arnold Schwarzenagger dress as a school boy and “play” guitar with them in the video for “Shook Me All Night Long” from the “Last Action Hero” soundtrack.  Yeeeeesssh…that was creepy.  I’m too lazy to YouTube it but if you haven’t seen that video nor the film, you’re much better off.

Back to the lecture at hand: of ALL the recorded pieces of music available, why, dear lord, WHY does AC/DC continue to have exactly 2 songs (”Back in Black” and “Shook Me”)  licensed/replayed/interpolated for someone’s soundtrack or ad campaign year after year?  Isn’t the band Jetsuccessful because they are essentially a younger, Austrailian AC/DC cover band? 

I remember as a young Catholic church goin’ boy (no Pope John Paul III) being terrified of “Highway to Hell” because I thought if I said the lyrics out loud I would indeed be on a highway heading to hell…and they don’t even accept EZ Pass.  And THAT is what AC/DC, Motorhead, Black Sabbath, etc are all about: writing hard, bruising, creepy songs about scary satanic stuff while eating quaaludes, drinking Yaegar out of a viking helmet, and giving your girlfriend herpes. 

With all of these wonderful and terrifying songs to choose from, licensing people have decided that AC/DC has only 2 songs that work when selling a Verizon phone, soundtracking an NFL highlight reel, parading scantily clad women in beer commercials, or expressing attitude and “grit” when hawking some power tools.  The music supervisors for “Iron Man” had a decision to make when opening the $180 million blockbuster: “Do we use a song that ties in with the character, songs like “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath or “Iron Maiden” by Ghostface Killah, that not only function as great ear-openers and grab the audience by the throat but relate to NAME of the movie….or do we pull “Back in Black” out of the CD player in the Miatta and grab lunch?  Done and done.  Vincento, where’s my soy latte?!  You’re fucking right I said grande!!”

Look, “Iron Man” was going to be a badass movie no matter what song opened up the film.  Tony Stark is a man’s man–rich, smart, drunk, goateed, and scoops alot of trim.  He probably smells like success and Jameson.  His costume is made of iron. His heart is powered by a metallic glass shield thingy that is way cooler than a scar.  He can fly and crush SUVs with his mitts.  The Iron Man faceplate is expressionless and killer.  Just look at this picture and tell me the first thought that pops into your mind isn’t “Iron Man is gonna fucking kill me”:

SEE!!!  His eyes can eat a child’s soul. 

I don’t need to hear “dah…dah dah dah…dah dah dah….da na na ner ner ner” for the 40,000th time in the background to understand I’m about to see some mean, punishing shit.  And yet that is what AC/DC has been reduced to for the mainstream: manufactured ‘tude.  Maybe that’s why they’re still selling the band’s shirts at Target for $12.99 (*update* Jim Jones and black hipsters have bought them all.  Sorry for the inconvenience). 

Next time you’re watching a PG-13 movie or watching Monday Night Football or happen to catch a Ford Truck commercial and you hear AC/DC, you’re gonna think of me.  And I’m gonna think of you!  And make sure you respond as the programmers intended:  put on a black leather jacket, mash that blueberry scone with your BARE HANDS, leave your stupid ass moisturizer in the medicine cabinet, and kick the shit out of your neighbor’s dog because AC’DC is rugged and mean and rock n roll and just doesn’t give a damn!!!!

Unless Verizon needs to sell some black Razor’s…. 

*Can anyone recommend some lesser known AC/DC songs?  I need some ‘tude for the gym.  Much appreciated*

Here it is…the first post EVER on Clap Cowards, my first real blog that is actually going to be updated more than once a leap year.

Deceased blogs from me (’06-’08) include:

5 O’Clock Free Crack Giveaway
Mittens for Maisy
Your Gun is Digging Into my Hip (Hop)
Gangsta Shit
Audacious Lymphnode
I’m Lovin’ That Lil’ Wayne
Pets.com

As you can see, I haven’t been very successful with my past blog enterprises.  I’ve pretty much driven them all into the ground.  But if I’ve learned anything from George Bush and Isaih Thomas, a million dollar smile seems to wipe away error upon multi-million dollar error–and blogs are FREE!!!  I had braces in the 8th grade, so frankly I can’t lose.

Ultimately, I wanted a central place besides my MySpace page to harvest all the crap (Latin for poop) I’m doing throughout this bountiful land of webage.  Besides, my mom always told me one day I’d be an outstanding “writer” (but since she fears rap music and doesn’t necessarily qualify “lyrics” with “art” or “credible literature” then this blog will just have to do). 

 So it’s gonna get weirder and funnier and off-topic and redudant from here on out.  But I promise you that at NO POINT will you ever get pregnant here at Clap Cowards.  Guaranteed, folks.